Brain Fog

Transcript: Today I wanted to talk about brain fog. Brain fog is very real. I am quite literally in the midst of it at the moment. Now, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and brain fog is a known symptom or consequence of ADHD. It is also a known symptom of PTSD. None of that really matters. I just wanted to get on and sort of talk my way through it. This happens every time I try to bring something, an idea, into reality. Bringing something from the mind to embody it. This is where I think the problem is. It's a disconnection from mind and body. It has been a constant theme in all of the work that I do. It is making this connection between mind and body. The reason that they say that brain fog is a symptom of PTSD is that it is a form of dissociation. Look, I don't know. It could be a stress response. It doesn't matter what the reason is. The fact of the matter is that every time I go to try and put an idea into action and to start a project, my whole body shuts down. All I want to do is go to sleep. It is literally debilitating. It is completely overwhelming. There is no way to out will it. The more you try and force your way through it, the more that it actually turns on. It is the weirdest thing. It doesn't make sense. It's not laziness. I am anything but lazy. The thing is, I don't know what... If things remain in my head or remain in my mind, there is a lot of energy. I have the energy in my mind to do it. It is literally as it comes down and to me starting to put it together, that things break down. There is a disconnect there between mind and body. How do I get around it? What I've been playing around with is, over the last few years, of getting into my body. There's a number of ways we can do that. But how do we do it and keep the process of what we're trying to achieve going? What I would normally do is succumb to the sensation, to the brain fog. I would succumb to the overwhelming sense of tiredness and I would go and lay down and fall asleep. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm using this as a way to out-create it. Instead of trying to fully embody it, this seems to be... To communicate it verbally seems to be a middle ground. I'm going to try and talk my way through it. I'm hoping that this makes some kind of sense. It may not. This is literally me going through the process. The thing I've been working on the last couple of days is to do with this embodiment process. What I've come to realize is that there is a complete disconnect between me and external reality. The way I found that out was, I was sitting in this brain fog state and I was looking outside. Normally I would put my attention out and that would help somewhat, but it wasn't. I then looked at an object that was close to me and I was like, "How can I make that more real?" I literally just brought the object... I don't know how to explain this. I just became aware of my body as I was looking at the object. A connection was made. It almost knocked me back. I was like, "I'm actually experiencing the energy of that object." Whereas before I wasn't. There was a disconnect there. I've been playing with this the last few days. I've literally just looked at objects and then bringing my awareness to my body. That's as good as I can explain it at the moment. It's been helping. There's been a liveliness that's enabled me to come out of this sense of being disconnected from reality. It kind of makes sense. It fits in with everything else that I've been doing. There is an energetic disconnection between our mind and our body. It's right here, right now. I'm in it. I'm literally in it. I'm trying to navigate it. I'm not able to do it. I'm not able to make the final connection. The other thing I've been practicing, and I'm getting really emotional, I can't get through it. The other thing I've been trying to do is, wherever I am, whatever energetic that I'm sitting in, I'm accepting it and I'm just trying to go one tiny little fraction above that. If there was a series of minute steps, say minutes on a clock, and you were at 12 o'clock, what would 12 o'clock and one second feel like? Forget about trying to go an hour ahead. What would one second ahead look like? You get movement. You get energetic movement. And then you go two seconds. There's all different ways to think about this. When I talk about conceptual understanding, this is what I'm talking about. You can take this idea and you can express it in color. What color would this look like? Let's just say it was black, which is when we get into trauma energetics, that's what we're dealing with. Maybe we won't use black, maybe we'll use red. You get this. This may not relate to this. You may not see things in color, but this is just an example. Just say you see a color. What would the next shade up from that be? You want to get a sense of this in your body. If it was a musical note or a sound, what would be the next vibration up from that? That's literally all we're trying to do. We're not trying to go ahead, ahead, ahead. I'm quite literally just looking for the very next tiny little increment of change. What is the smallest increment of change that I can get from my present condition? That's all I'm trying to do. I'm doing it now. As I'm speaking, I'm doing it. I can listen to my voice, and I can just put up one little notch, and then let that move through my body. There is a heap of tension here. It's like the thinnest veil, but it is holding exceptionally tight. It's like if you tried to run and burst through it, you would bounce back. I'm literally going through this as I'm talking about it. Me even just thinking about trying to push through it, I ran into the held energy. There is held energy here that I'm trying to move through. Forcing your way through it does not work. A way I could explain it was, instead of trying to force your way through it, is if you turned around and put your back to it, and then just slowly edged your way back, you'd have more success at getting through that stuck energy than if you were trying to force your way through it. You're just allowing the two different energetic realities to blend. It gets back to this idea of allowing things to happen. Rather than forcing things to happen, I'm finding a lot more success in allowing things to happen. Even if that's an action. I've just come off a pretty intense episode of depression. It was triggered by something. I don't want to go into what triggered it. The reason I'm not too worried about it is because, as soon as it passed, and this is the difference between one moment and the next for me at the moment, is that on Friday I was in the deepest darkest depression. Saturday I woke up at 6 o'clock in the morning, bright and ready to go. The decision to get out of bed at 6 o'clock wasn't a wilful decision. I just allowed my body to go with the energy that I was feeling. That turned into me exercising. Again, I didn't have to think about it. I just allowed my body to move. I have a number of things set up around my house. Weights, pull-up bars, just little bits and pieces. I'm into rope flow. Things that enable me to exercise, I just have laying around the house. I can literally, all during my day, I'm able to exercise. I don't do it as a set time or a set place. I literally have these things around that allow me to exercise. I have my pens and paper laying around that allow me to drop down ideas. I have things that allow me to be creative and they're just laying around. The problem has been to keep the flow going. It's a trust thing. I need to trust. Where it normally breaks down is, this flow starts and then I start to think about what's next. Instead of just keeping going with the process, I've shown that if you just allow things to happen, it works. I'm still dropping back into my old self. I've still not quite found the courage or the strength to drop fully into the energetic. This is what I mentioned earlier and it's been coming up over the last few days or the last few weeks. I feel as though I've got one foot in two worlds. I'm still holding on to my old self and yet I've seen this new way or this more natural way of living. I know that it works because I've tested it hundreds of times. It's just having the courage to fully let go of my old self. I am in a transition and this is coming up as... The old self is the brain fog. I'm coming up against the extremities of my old self. Literally all I have to do is put it down and walk away and the transition will be complete. I'm going to have to leave this where this is. I don't even know whether this is going to be... I'll put this up or not because it's a process. There's no end result here. There's nothing for people to go, "Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense." It's literally just me talking about the process. The process is moving. It's dropping everything. It's literally taking that step into a new sense of being. This is going to take, I think, a little bit of time. The thing I've been playing around with, as I mentioned earlier, and people call it raising your consciousness. You hear it everywhere. You're going to raise your consciousness. What the heck does that mean? That's my problem I'm working on at the moment. What does it mean to raise your consciousness? What does it actually mean? What is the physical sensation? What's the change in your thinking? What's the change in your mental processes? What's the change in your awareness? Is there a change in how you see things? Is there a change in how you respond to things? What is it? If we strip it all down and go back to what I was just saying earlier about what is the next degree. This has come up before. This thing called the angle of incidence. It's literally a change in, as I said, if we can think of it in terms of a clock. It's literally going from 12 o'clock to 12.01. In order to get to 12.01, you would need to go through 12 and 1 second, 12 and 2 seconds. That's the angle. Incidence is just an experience, a happening. You then get coincidence, which is things happening together. It's changing your experience of life by the smallest degree that you can. That you can imagine, or that you can feel, or that you can think about, or that you can entertain. What is the smallest change that you can allow in this moment? Is it just to feel a part of your body? Just say you've, okay, let's just say for, I'll tune in now and I can feel my elbow. If that was a piece of your anatomy on a map, what would be the very next bit next to that? Then the very next bit next to that. Then you start to get this flow effect happening as you become more dynamically aware of your body. Instead of just going, I can feel my elbow, I can feel my hand, I can feel my finger. We're literally allowing the feeling to flow. It's this moving from static to dynamic, which is what I'm working on. I have in the past come up with a number of different techniques to do that. This is what I used to do when I was working, or when I was giving my time at the local primary school. I was teaching children how to do this. It's now time for me to put it into practice again, which is normally what happens. I get an understanding of something, I figure something out, I have my aha moment, I do it for a little while. Then it drops below my awareness. What seems to be happening at the moment is all of these things that I've become aware of in the past, I'm now having to bring back, to live, reimagine and to embody. This is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. Now, if I go back to my brain fog, it's lifted. I've enabled myself to take the next step. It's still not that, and again, I'm going to have to look at different ways to express this, because it's not quite enough. I haven't quite embodied the experience. I haven't quite embodied this particular process of change. I'm going to have to go and embody it a little bit more, which is what I'm going to go and do now. This is where I'm getting to, is that I've talked about this before, that the actual moment of change, when something changes, so when you get something, maybe it's a new skill, the moment from you not being able to do it to doing it, it happens in an instant. I'll give you an example. If you watch a skateboarder, and a skateboarder is trying a new trick, and they try it, they stuff up, they try it, they stuff up, they try it, they stuff up, they try it, they stuff up, they keep stuffing up, they keep stuffing, they're getting closer and closer and closer, and then all of a sudden they just get it. And then it becomes easy for them. They're like, "Ah, I get it. I've got it." And then they can do it again. And then after a while, it looks easy. It always was easy. It was just the transition from not being able to do it, to being able to do it. They had to figure out the process. And this is the same thing. You have all these variations of yourself that have figured these things out. I'm starting to see that at some point, you have to take all of your learnings and go, "Right, I've got to become the person that I want to be, or the person that I need to be." So it's this evolving process. At some point, you've got to step into that evolving process, that evolving sense of yourself. And that then becomes the new you. And that then becomes the evolving you. The person that can be successful. So remember, success doesn't mean to get anywhere. Success means to continue to be. So it's a process of flow. Now, flow is all well and good. It's not the be all and end all. I talk about this quite a lot in Dynamic Self Awareness. There's three types of energy. There's pulse, flow and field. And they're all working together. And you never really forego one from the other. In fact, I think all three of them are happening at the same time. But this moving from these separate sense, separate ideas of yourself, to a flowing sense of self, and then into a field sense of self, I think this is where it's at. And this is the process that I'm going through at the moment. Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense. I'm going to go away now and try and do a visual representation of this. And hopefully make a video. But we are coming up to 25 minutes and I think that is long enough. So I hope you've enjoyed this. I hope it's made some sense. And I hope you continue with me on this journey. And then hopefully you will take up the mantle and make this part of your journey. Let's go.